10 Quirks That Might Be Autism: Avoiding Intimacy
#6: Avoiding intimacy is a frustrating quirk of autism.
This post is part of the series 10 Quirks About Me.
Writing about avoiding intimacy is either the bravest or stupidest thing I’ve done, but it is one of my 10 quirks that likely are from autism. It’s well documented that people with autism have different needs for intimacy, which can include sex, compared to the neurotypical person. Sensory processing differences, which affect all five senses, are chief among the reasons. They can make intimacy uncomfortable, unpleasant, or intolerable. Some might even find intimacy painful.
Like many men who have sensory processing differences, I am a father. But intimacy is still an issue for me. I previously wrote about how fluorescent lights in certain department stores bothered me as a kid. I had to sit on the floor and put my head down until dizziness and nausea went away. Well, avoiding intimacy stems from the same behavior. The only difference is that that those were lights, and this is sex.
Love Hurts
Of course, there really is a big difference between hypersensitivity to lights and avoiding intimacy. For one reason, intimacy includes touch. Touch often is the basis for an intimate relationship, but it can be overwhelming or unpleasant for people with autism. As a result, autistic people have difficulties forming and maintaining intimate relationships. Some people with autism even choose to have low-sex or sexless relationships.
Psychology Today reports that people who avoid intimacy should let a neurotypical partner know about their sensory processing differences before becoming intimate. Otherwise, that partner might feel personally rejected. When combined with communication challenges and rigid adherence to routines, avoiding intimacy because of sensory processing differences also exacerbates tension in intimate relationships.
Many people with autism also receive sex education that is inadequately tailored to their needs. As a result, some might be confused about important aspects of the experience, such as sexual health and consent. Studies published in Brain Science suggest a higher occurrence of diverse sexual orientations and gender identities in people who have autism, which can make their sexual development even more complex. Autistic people also frequently have co-occurrences with anxiety and depression. They affect sexual well-being, and especially when they are related to gender dysphoria.
Autism Parenting Magazine suggests that autistic kids should have sex education that addresses their differences. It can help them understand the nuances of sexual relations and intimacy, which leads to relationship success. Meanwhile, the report in Brain Science suggests that understanding and addressing sensory processing differences leads to better and healthier relationships.
Touch Too Much
The inability to express oneself compounds many autistic traits. Therefore, it might be difficult for a partner with autism to tell a neurotypical partner what is happening. This is especially true for adults who do not know they are autistic. A conversation about intimacy never happens in those cases. It becomes frustrating, and relationships fail.
Even though I was diagnosed with autism when I was 4, I didn’t know that until I was 46. By then, I had experienced many problems with intimacy and relationships. In fact, I have three autistic traits that cause me to avoid intimacy:
- Hypersensitivity to touch,
- Hyposensitivity to sexual stimulation, and
- Anxiety.
If the opportunity for intimacy does come up in the future, I will need to discuss my quirk. This is not the easiest subject to discuss. It is only slightly worse than the conversation about autism itself. But I also realize now how important it is to find a way to be intimate with someone even if you must find an alternative way of doing it. As I’ve learned, even charitable relationships can fail when the need for intimacy is not met.
Catch the rest of the series: 10 Quirks About Me
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